The end of 2015 found me in a rut!
The one year I left all my To-Dos unchecked. Christmas, my favorite holiday sucked in 2015, and so did New Year’s. I went into 2016 in a rut. Big mistake.
In hindsight, what I should have done on 29th December 2015 was to relocate.
Because I stayed in the same place, I lost the better part of two years existing in human form, laughing, talking and breathing mechanically.
When you have something looming over your head, a thing around your neck, a pebble in your shoe, you cannot help but handle it with so much care so it does not choke you. It stays right there, waiting for you to lose your footing, to lose focus, to blink, to breathe so it can collapse over your head and swallow you whole, once and for all. I was walking under water most of the time, that I didn’t drown is a testament that the pain and sadness I felt was orchestrated to kill the weakness and build a new, firm and steadfast woman in me.
It all started in July 2015 when I received the news of my father’s sickness and subsequent death as I convalesced from this botched surgery. I got an email a month later rejecting me for this perfect job whose four interviews I thought I had aced In quick succession, all the weight I had fought to lose in the previous two years came piling back and then some, because when you’re mad, broke and sad, portion control is the last thing on your mind.
Fresh into my twenties, my life, I thought, was at the peak of disaster.
Then I relocated myself. Physically, back to my roots and mentally to books, music and more fun fiction. I took up running again and fell in love with pineapples and eggplants. Financially, I sold fresh juice to restaurants, spas and health clubs. I felt every change, growth and setback in this journey until it all amalgamated into one bigger, better and purposeful existence.
When certain tragedies strike where you stand, your friends will be there for you. Everyone you know will be concerned and you will get more WhatsApps than you normally do. You will feel connected and for some good moments you will truly feel not-alone. But soon they will forget, move on from your tragedy and you will be expected to move on too. You will try but most times, that thing that looms over your head will take position again. You will relocate your thoughts and perceptions and activities once again. Your life will have to go on, lest you fall off the wagon and God knows how and when you will get back.
This period of desolation was important for me. Necessary too. It forced me to relocate to a place of maturity and confidence. Certain things I wouldn’t have known today if it weren’t for 2015. Many victories I wouldn’t enjoy today without that rough patch. Discomfort is important to show you, up-close, that you are capable of doing, and being more than you are.
2018 is almost here, I will relocate once again. To a more grounded, centered and intentional version of myself. I will take the thing that sometimes still wraps itself around my neck and burn it, along with the things I fear, the mistakes I am afraid to make and then maybe, I will breathe in the fresh air of a new year 🙂