I eulogized and laid a wreath with the promise of excruciating grief and emergence on the other side, bigger, better and stronger. But when does this promise mature? When will your absence not be my first thought in the morning? When will your face be not be the last thing I see before I sleep? When will your smiling pictures on the wall stop invoking that paralyzing sadness? When do our beautiful memories stop bringing tears to my eyes?
“You cannot romanticize loss” she said to me. “You are not stronger than loss”
How badly I wanted to prove her wrong. After all that we had been through, you and me, I knew I could. Nobody knew. I could be strong. I would live. I would go on like my heart wasn’t placed in the ground beside you. After all, you were the one who suffered the pain and eventually lost the fight. Who am I to cry loss?
At what point do we let the departed rest? At what point do we move on and let them move on too. The dreams, the thoughts, the wishes. Do they torment them like they torment us? Do they keep wishing fate had taken a different course like we do when we do cannot sleep at night? The questions, the doubts and the pains. At what point does the mundane normalcy of life resume?
Is it selfish to forget? Does forgetting undo all that you were in my life? I cannot carry on and not forget at the same time. The fondest memories are a thorn in my side. The loudest laughs an onset for a bawl. At what point do the departed let us rest?
Nothing prepares you for the loss of a loved one. Nothing prepares you for the tears that don’t stop coming even after the grass grows back where you dug their grave. Nothing prepares you for the gaping hole they leave in your heart. It is something that you learn to live with every day, although some days you would rather not live altogether. Because the emptiness where that love lay is with you when you wake up, when you speak, when you smile, wherever you go, when you try to fall asleep.
Thank you for being strong, even when I couldn’t see the straw you hang on to. For the love, more faithful than the rising sun, true as time. Unbreakable and unwavering.