The worst thing about loving some one is the uncertainty of whether or not they love you back.
I excitedly made my way to his office to return the report which I hopped this time didn’t have any errors. He didn’t notice I had knocked at the door so I let myself in, placed the colourless binder on his table and took a seat. If anything, to wait for more corrections to be made.
Even as he spoke into the phone, I could feel the envy rising through my stomach like cold sour bile. Why could we never talk like that? Share a joke, mourn about the heat? why did it always have to be official and serious. Did I look like the kind of person who couldn’t sustain a casual conversation?
He sooner got off his phone and gestured me to pour myself a cup of tea.
Tea definitely wasn’t something I needed but I figured the time it’d take me to finish a cup of tea would be enough for me and him to maybe have a conversation outside the White paper on sports incorporation into the work week.
There I was, cup in hand as he went through the report. He quickly got to the last page and smiled.
Oh my God!!
Heaven opened up and the doves flew away with that smile. It was like a thousand suns ablaze. That should have been the most amazing thing I had yet to see. I Had to remind myself to stop staring. Why couldn’t he be mine? Why couldn’t that smile be the first thing I saw every morning?
Finally, that was over and I didn’t have to dance around that project anymore. He commended me on the good work and said I could go when I was done with my tea.
He made 2 more phone calls before I could empty my cup and make for the exit.
I walked back to my desk in the lowest of spirits affirming my notion that he didn’t have the slightest affection towards me.
The rest of the day was the standard blur, with me day dreaming about how happy we would be if only he could just love me.
They say a crush only lasts 3 weeks and beyond that it’s pure love. Well, this was well beyond 3 months and I sure, was in love with my boss. And everyday seemed like such a drag. He didn’t help my situation either. He could have been mean, patronizing, sadistic and whatever else. That could have made him such a repulsive person, easy to dislike. But he wasn’t. He was a nice man. Patient with my never ending errors, disciplined, cultured and there has never been a man with a stronger work ethic. He was brilliant. He had the ability to solve problems that kept the whole personnel and service department grim. Well, I guess that’s why he was the boss and the rest of us weren’t.
Lately, all my projects involved him which meant I had to hang around him at least 45 minutes a day. Never has a man been more professional. But I held out for it. The hope that he felt towards me, what I felt towards him. If ever.
His birthday fell on a friday and after a whole day of convincing and cajoling by the entire office, he agreed to let us buy him a drink after work. First time I had seen him out of the office. And to my surprise, he wasn’t such a hard ass after all. A bunch of girls from accounts seemed to dominate him and in all honesty,I didn’t think I stood a chance with him. I had been blessed to get a job with the most attractive female employees. The realization that this whole thing was never going to happen saddened me and I then resigned myself to getting over it. And over him. I had only come for this thing because I thought we’d probably get a chance to chat. Maybe he would see more for more than his subordinate. Maybe the ache in my heart would go away.
I wasn’t sure he loved me but I could only hope he did. He never gave me reason to believe he loved me. He never gave me reason to believe he didn’t. He was always so polite. So kind and gallant. He was the man I wished I spent every day with. The only person who kept me looking forward to work.
And now another night turns into day and I can only hope the day will come when we are together, or not. When my heart won’t be in oblivion. Redemption will come