To be nothing. To desire nothing and to chase after nothing.

A fly on the wall. That with one swat it was never there.. So insignificant that I’d blend into the earth. I want to be broken glass. And the pieces of me scattered by the wind.

And maybe then I’ll know humility.. And maybe then you will lift me. Maybe then I will sit at your table. Like you always ask me to. Maybe then I will hear you when you call me your child. I will smile when you call me your friend. Maybe then I will abandon all the shame.The shame that I’m clothed in. The pain that haunts me. The shame that i carry around like a bleeding scarlet letter. Maybe then I will not feel unworthy. Because you’re my king. And i am a King’s daughter.

I have disgraced you. I disgrace you everyday. I fall short. My inadequacies resound in my head. They echo my lies. They echo my doubt. Put a name to my fears. And whisper words of death. That I am inadequate. But I’m the king’s daughter.

Maybe then I will speak. I will believe. With conviction I will sing my song of praise. Without any inhibitions i will bow. To your feet i will fall. And you will raise me. Hand in hand we shall walk. Like old friends we shall love.

Maybe then I will be healed. Maybe then I will be redeemed. Maybe then I will see. And I will hear you when you speak. Maybe then my tongue will not be so heavy when I call out your name. Maybe then I shall not restrain from approaching your throne. The throne of glory. Of blazing glory. And I will feel chosen. Because from many men you chose me. You named me. And you formed me. Even before this world I roam was formed.

Psalms 147:2-6